Thursday, December 29, 2005


Can we talk about laundry for a second and how much I hate it? There's just something so...futile about it. It never stops. I have to wear clothes, the clothes thus get dirty, I thus must wash the clothes. I can think of only three alternatives to this situation: 1) don't wear clothes, 2) wear dirty clothes, and 3) only wear clothes once. Let's take a deeper look into these options.

Option 1: Don't Wear Clothes
Now, granted, the ladies would really like this option. Lord knows I get enough catcalls walking down the street with my clothes on. But realistically, I live in northern Illinois. And currently, it's damn cold. Cold enough to freeze your giblets off. If I were to walk around with only a pensive smile on, I'd likely only make it to the mailbox before I'd start turning blue. I suppose I could move down south or wait until the summer for this option, and I certainly would work around the clothes-washing issue, but for now, we'll have to shelve this option.

Option 2: Wear Dirty Clothes
Don't get me wrong, I do this from time to time; I'm a swingin' bachelor. But I will wear absolutely nothing more than twice before I wash it, and even then I'm not too happy about it. If I wore dirty clothes, consistently, though, I'd really have a tough time doing a good job teaching. The kids would all be covering their noses with their hands, and then how would they take notes properly? They couldn't, that's how. Besides this fact, I'd be fired. There's nothing explicit in my contract about wearing clean clothes (to the best of my knowledge), but I don't have tenure yet, and they don't really need a good reason for fire me. And I need money. I like to buy things. So this option is out, at least on a regular basis.

Option 3: Only Wear Clothes Once
As alluded to above, I like to buy things, and new clothes is certainly not an exception. However, since I am in fact a young teacher, I make roughly equivalent to shit. Thus, if I went with this option, I would only be able to wear new white T-shirts before throwing them out. This might be fine for a stay-at-home-full-time-blogger (which has been me lately), but once school starts back up in a few days and I start wearing nothing but white T-shirts, they're going to start calling me Mr. Clean again. I hate it when they call me Mr. Clean. There's no earring, people! Look at the guy! He has an earring! I don't! For Chrissake! ...sorry, got off on a little tangent there. For right now, then, I can't really afford to just wear clothes once. Damn it.

So I suppose I'm stuck. Maybe I should get married? I'd be fine doing the cooking if my wife would do the laundry. Or I could send it all away to a service or something. But again, that would cost money. Maybe I could get a trained monkey. That'd be sweet!


Lizzie said...

trained monkey. definitely go for the trained monkey.

I have to admit to doing a little of options 2 and 3. I'll wear dirty clothes- especially jeans. I'll wear them until they're so stretched out that I practically look like a rapper. And I have my own variation of option 3: when I get through all of my underwear, I'll go out and buy more before I'll do laundry. I REALLY hate doing laundry. hmm, maybe I should get married? Except I wouldn't be ok with doing the cooking. He'd have to do both. yeah, I'm a catch!

Southie said...

Why don't you just marry a trained monkey, Lizzie? If you ask me, most men aren't that different. And this way, the trained monkey won't be able to complain when you stick it with the laundry AND the cooking.

I think you're on to something...

Lizzie said...

now THAT is an idea. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. a trained monkey would be the perfect husband - obedient and silent.

Sue Ellen Mischke said...

As a union rep, I can say with a reasonable amout of certainty that there is no provision in your contract stating that you cannot wear dirty clothes.

As for the wearing clothes only once option, you better not do this without me. If I've told you once I've told you a brazillion times, do not go to the mall without me. And if you are pushing a cart that contains cat food and tools, don't buy clothes in the same location (i.e. Meier!).

Please, please, please do NOT take option 1. I beg of you.

Southie said...

Lizzie: If you happen to find a woman like that, please let me know. And one that doesn't look like a monkey (that's important).

Tara: Actually, it might be fun to go clothes shopping (not at Meijer). And please, you know Option 1 would rock yo' worl', girl.

ps--"cat food and tools" heehee--I don't buy tools, silly!

ciaower said...

ermm I know you somehow (and I just happen to be unaware of it)? If not, I guess it's cool anyway. (You commented on my blog.)

ciaower said...

oh, well thank you then : )